Thebeardedjourneyman

Fighting to Find Strength

“I am not strong enough.” 

Through tears, these are the words I have spoken to myself and others as they changed the dressing this week. The process involves carefully peeling away the old bandages and preparing my wound for the new ones. While they are careful, and I have been given significant medication, the pain is sometimes excruciating.

I have also whispered these words at other times, often in the stillness of the day or during the weight of night. I have spoken them as I embark on this new phase of my journey – one of healing.

You see, the first few weeks required me simply to survive. There was little to do but become a passenger while a team of incredible healthcare professionals at The Queensway Carleton Hospital cared for me, and an army of people worldwide prayed for me. 

Passenger to Partner

My job was to wait and weather the storm the infection had swept me up in. My role was limited, but now that I have started this new chapter, it has become much more physically, mentally and emotionally challenging.

It requires so much more from me: determination, resiliency, strength and patience. Every dressing change catapults me into a realm filled with pain and necessitating endurance. I now have exercises to do to ensure I don’t permanently lose functionality in my hand. I receive daily injections to keep blood clots at bay. I sleep and wait, not knowing when I will walk through the doors to return to the home I love and the role I am called to. 

Healing is painful.

This road will be long and hard, and there are moments I fear I will not be strong enough.

The Universal Journey of Healing

This new chapter has also found me reflecting on the reality that so many of us are engaged in the work of healing. 

Our stories are not all the same, but our challenges are similar. 

Perhaps it is healing from hurt, trauma or extraordinary experiences – physical, spiritual, mental or emotional. Whatever you are healing from, I wanted you to know that I see you and that quiet battle you face daily to pursue healing. I understand it so much more fully now. 

It is hard, but healing is possible. Take one step at a time.

Finding Strength Outside of Myself

You know the truth is I am not strong enough on my own. But thankfully, I do not need to be.  

I am incredibly grateful for a God who meets me in these moments, gives me the strength to do what I can, and helps me surrender what I cannot.

James writes:

Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. True patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line—mature, complete, and wanting nothing.

James 1:3-5

These verses have always been significant to me, but as I have journeyed alongside death, they have taken on a different meaning. They breathe purpose into my experience and, believe it or not, allow me to choose joy amid the most extraordinary of circumstances.  

And so today, I will not run from this, knowing that healing is possible, knowing that “…when I am at my weakest, [God] makes me strong” (2 Cor. 12:10), knowing that my story does not end here. And this strength that God gives me allows me to face the challenges of each day with resilience.

Resiliency is the bridge between hardship and transformation, and with God at my side, I know that healing is possible.

I hope and pray the same for you.