Thebeardedjourneyman

A Familiar Fear

It was September 27 at 9:00 PM. 

After 23 days in the hospital, with things moving positively, I was brushing my teeth and noticed that a large portion of my arm was swollen and left an indentation when I pressed on it.

I know now that it is called Pitting Edema and is likely the result of lymphatic blockage (because they had to remove several lymphatic vessels) or a blood clot, but at that moment, I did not.

At that moment, it brought me right back to where I was before the third surgery. It was then I experienced the same thing and, as a result of other vital markers, was rushed back to the OR for emergency surgery. A surgery that discovered the infection was still present and spreading.

In a moment, I was plunged into a world clouded with anxiety. “What if” spirals, sending me down paths of worry, triggering flashbacks of previous days and stealing sleep from me.

I was afraid. 

The Tension Between Fear and Faith

I wanted to write and share because I wanted you to see and understand so we could talk about the tension that lives within so many of us.

What am I talking about?

It is the seeming dichotomy between belief and unbelief.

When I was 16, I surrendered my life to Jesus, believing that what he went through on the cross was for me. That moment created a new life and gave me purpose, belonging and identity – things I had been struggling with profoundly.

Since then, my life has been a wild ride with many ups and downs – a ride that eventually led me to become a pastor. A calling that I cherish deeply, and I am grateful that I can, together with an incredible community, build irresistible bridges between unchurched people and Jesus. 

But even as a follower of Jesus. Even as a pastor. That tension exists.

My Story

You see, in so many ways, I believe in God. I believe what he says to be true, and I place my faith in the words he so eloquently articulates. But I also, in some ways, struggle to believe. 

I struggle to trust him in those moments of difficulty, trial, or suffering. I struggle when things don’t work out as I had imagined, as I had prayed. Sometimes, that unbelief leaves me with so many questions that remain unanswered. And it is hard, really hard.

The fear that night swept me back into a place of unbelief and anxiety where I wondered if the infection had returned and whether, this time, it would finish the job. 

Why do I share this? 

Well, no matter what your story or where you are in your faith journey, we have all, at one time or another, lived in the tension of faith and unbelief, occupying the same space simultaneously.

I also want to tell you that it is ok. That God still loves you as you live in that place.

A Beautiful Encounter

There is a beautiful passage that I wrote about in a Social Media post earlier this month that details an interaction between Jesus and a desperate Father:

Father: But if there’s anything You can do, please, have pity on us and help us.

Jesus: What do you mean, “If there’s anything?” All things are possible if you only believe.

Father (crying in desperation): I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief!

Mark 9:22-24

I cried then, and I am crying now when reading these words. I am so thankful that God included them for us. As I read those words, I can feel profoundly the emotional desperation of the Father’s words. I have often felt that same desperation when talking to God and I am guessing that many of you have too.

And here is what is beautiful about what happens. Jesus didn’t go on to chastise the desperate Father for living in that tension of belief and unbelief. He didn’t ask him to leave to “top up” his belief to a level that would warrant a miracle. 

He allowed that tension to exist and healed his son.

The Grace of God

Today, I live in that tension as I wrestle with the trauma of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. I lean into God and slowly surrender my fears, anxieties and worries. And I allow him to love me in that tension.

On the one hand, I believe in God, who can do abundantly above all that we are asking and praying for, and on the other hand, I am afraid of what might be. 

The more I journey with God, the more I learn to trust him, but while I walk the in-between, I am thankful that through his grace, he allows me to live there while gently guiding me toward a deeper relationship with him.